The Fiona MacCarthy

The Fiona MacCarthy

What pleases and annoys

Instinctive, impulsive, and logical but always passionate and reflective of what I feel here and now.

Individual blogs are in most recent, first sequence and are also grouped in various "categories" which are just to the right & down a bit should you prefer to search that way. Please feel free to add a comment.

Blog restarted November 2017

Chapter 1 Manson

HumourPosted by Fiona MacCarthy Sun, September 30, 2012 13:33:07

All characters reflected in this story have never lived, never will live (hopelessly) and any similarity with any known and or unknown living or recently living humans, felines, canines or bacteria is purely coincidental.

The setting is sometime in the near future, planet earth and somewhere vague fictional coastal England, not that the coast is fictional. It is nowhere near my hometown.

Chapter 1 Manson

Manson’s hand reached stretched lunged in a hop skip jump fashion across the chasm that separated his semi full Kings sized bed from the mock mahogany dressing table. The old seldom washed duvet mirrored this athletic display in sympathy. The dark chasm contained an assortment of matching colourful boxers’ socks and ties and needed tidying sorting and generally washing. Reaching his buttock sculpted gaily printed tin of cigarettes, his first two yellow encrusted nail chewed finger stumps fumbled for one while the second two masterfully grabbed the lighter in a delightful display of well practised finger gymnastics. Such skill; he marvelled subconsciously. His cracked lips parted enthusiastically for the yellow papered joy of life with some humorously silly beer advert message that would become readable to him as he smoked. Smoking had been declared to be good for the happy citizens of the state at last righting the wrong when it was considered unhealthy. Smoking provided comforting relaxative moods as now scientifically proven and the lung bile could be cleansed by simple regular medical check-ups which the local General Practitioner (medical technician service). Cancer from ciggies was curable and people no longer died from that. A tablet did all that. Tablets did lots of things.

What had been a vertical finger of rum filled tumbler now knuckle high stared back at him darkly still moodily from the table as he proceeded carefully to take a large mouthful, gargling softly gently and swallowed decorously in a near dangerous return to memories of prior night semi wild upon reflection activities.

The room had been tastefully decorated with a firm not too softly feminine touch by his maternal grandmother many decades previously, a woman that had had a strong and somewhat twisted influence on the once and still fragile personality of Manson. Worshipful memories of her mothballed curry chanel-5 existence were woven into the fading wallpaper. An expansive same shade mahogany largely unfilled wardrobe still occupied mutely much of one wall together with a matching bosom of drawers together again with a variety of dead squatting bulb oriental lamps.

Sunlight filled the upper half of the room aided by the non intervention of the ever open blinds that adorned unused the two large windows which overlooked a stunted tree lined house filled straight street The lower half of the room were firmly filled with ancient months of once powerful smoke. A dual ecosystem of two very different worlds. Manson preferred the calm and security of the lower venturing into the upper only as a risky necessity.

Gently swinging his legs from the bed towards the pock marked carpeted floor, he gently raised his body into the vertical position but his headless body still encased safely in the lower atmosphere and his head peered above like a frightened rabbit. Were rabbits ever unfrightened? He thought. Across the room he saw himself in the full length vertical mirror. Slowly he dreamt smoked of what had happened in the last 24 hours as he contemplated the next in a frequent exercise of his faculties. One more effort and he was now vertically erect and able to see his body-shape in full outline. His lime green Kermit printed pj’s were the only bit of colour that jarred the eyes into focussing in the room. They had been a first and only anniversary gift from a not so recent lover as Manson had intentionally forgotten to reciprocate in childish revenge for some careless words. Removing these he contemplated his full length pale body. His chin was morphing into his moobs and large protruding gut whilst his man-gens shamelessly receded on a zero hours verbal contract. This was now typical of the population and had been part of a trend in society, all of society, all societies over the previous 2 decades. People were becoming bigger grosser fatter. A small elite in the political-economic remained small in girth but all others were at various stages of shape change. Everything in society was changing to accommodate these blobs. It was rumoured to be the water or the genetic coded food or the melting ice or the poisonous asteroid that had hit the Falklands a few years earlier and these rumours were refreshed and regurgitated never ever endingly. All stories were repeated, denied, buried temporarily and resurrected: a new religion of eternity and evasive salvation lingered the newswires and gossip channels.

Inhaling exhaling was an important part of his exercise routine as he lit another pale pink this time cigarette wandered with lethargic exploratory purpose to the bathroom where another mirror challenged him. In it he could sideways see his non majestic frame as he stood to urinate skilfully hitting the dropping ash with the aroma rich powered jet flow of tarnished golden nectar. Satisfied and relieved as to his physical prowess he descended to the lower half of the house which had in contrast just one ecosystem of stank darkness. Breakfast urges called out as he checked the fridge for remains of last night’s take out take home take nowhere. Was it noodles or vindaloo he quizzed himself carelessly? Hard to tell as his bowels were still asleep. Empty fridge, emptier cooker, surprisingly bacteria busy microwave: must clean he carved in the atmosphere and then he found it: in the washing machine safely resting in the paper trays. Chinese Laundry thoughts filled his mind, exited, re-entered exited excitedly as he munched on the once flavoured noodles. Tasteless odourless the food filled a biological need whilst he awaited the frequently temperamental coffee machine. Triple espresso required to enable facial expression upon triple chin. Another cigarette and he was feeling good, confident and semi-keen for the day.

Returning upstairs he showered in the recently enlarged shower, towelled dry the layers of layered fat and dressed in a new tracksuit adorned with red trim and his favourite gin brand logo whose sanctity would never be violated by the presence of a sweaty track. At weekends he preferred not to shave: the chins were too challenging for wandering razors.

Downstairs again he entered his garage and stepped into his “mubble” or mobile bubble. These were a vast improvement on the old fashioned cars which were so difficult to enter and exit due to the expanding girth of all. They came in a variety of 2/4/6 seat (8/10 less commonly) models and after opening a tall door at the side one stepped in resting the bodily bottom cheeks upon a high seat whilst pressing in a destination code to the control panel. The electric powered mubble would then engage and the passenger in single or plural would be conveyed speedily to destination without any human involvement. For longer journeys the seats could expand into a recliner. A microwave on board offered dining sustenance opportunities particularly for longer journeys. Getting the wrong destination was the only risk as all were controlled by a single corporate entity which had the public contract for this activity. There were plans to make the mubbles airborne (airubbles) and tests were underway elsewhere. For now they were the perfect way of getting around. Accidents did still occur as with cars but they were living proof of how life was improving, along with tablets

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Defence of the innocent

HumourPosted by Fiona MacCarthy Sat, March 03, 2012 12:32:48
A story of how humans demonise lions

Legal Representative for the defendant

"I wish to protest most strongly about the spin on the events relating to the incident. My client, Ms Fiona Leo was in truth kidnapped many years ago from the wilds of Africa and transported here to Australia where she was incarcerated without trial in "Crocodylus Park" the home to hundreds of crocodiles with whom she has no allegiance nor for whom any affection. She has been subjected to years of taunts, silly comments and clicking flashing cameras by humanoids separated from her family and natural lifestyle.

On the day in question the alleged victim in today's case; a humanoid was engaged in weed collection and in breach of his employer's health and safety policy put his arm into the cage in which Ms Leo is detained. Ms Leo had not been fed for some days and considered the hairy tattooed over fatty non meaty limb a rather inadequate snack which her cruel captors had offered. She has suffered indigestion but is denied legal redress.

I request that the charge be dismissed, that her diet be improved and that consideration be given to placing her in a lion park if not returning her to her homeland"

The alternative humanoid scaredy cat story is in today's Telegraph

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Fraud in Italy

HumourPosted by Fiona MacCarthy Sun, February 19, 2012 11:34:04
I can understand fraud (dont accept) in millions even tens of millions (you can pick any leading currency)

Fraud in the billion range is bold

But when fraud moves into the trillions of US Dollars then clearly some imaginative minds are involved. The fact that its Italian Mafia adds some exciting background but this story from the BBC is laughingly scarey in its potential to unsettle and damage.

Cannot help but wonder how many have been fooled or conned or worse still participated for personal gain in stories untold.

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Alive or Dead?

HumourPosted by Fiona MacCarthy Sat, June 25, 2011 06:18:55
This article link from Drudge and originally from New York Daily News caught my eye as it must be awful. Woman dies after waking up at her own funeral. She was believed to be dead, family and friends were having the funeral when she woke up and then died!

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Breaking News

HumourPosted by Fiona MacCarthy Fri, October 22, 2010 15:01:27

Fiona is pleased to announce that after extensive, protracted and frequently confrontational negotiations that she is staying with NS-WCS for a new contract of 4 years and 364 days. (does not do 5 year deals)

NS-WCS (North Shields Wine Consumption Society) had declared itself delighted with the mutually beneficial arrangement and is looking forward to the new deal with fervour.

The parties will celebrate with a party at a local partying establishment. smiley

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Fiona denies diamond story

HumourPosted by Fiona MacCarthy Mon, August 09, 2010 17:56:32

Fiona MacCarthy has issued a firm statement (using Big Bold font) via her legal advisers: "Minx International Celebrities" that she has not received any diamonds frequently referred to as "Blood Diamonds" from Charles Taylor or any of his sleepwalking cronies. She said "This distresses me greatly"

She did however receive wine, champagne and chocolates for her birthday yesterday from many of her friends and would like this practise to continue (until they find some diamonds). smiley

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What drives the oil price

HumourPosted by Fiona MacCarthy Tue, June 29, 2010 16:52:26

This might explain the price of petrol.

A broker bought 7 million barrels of oil and drove the world price up by US$2.

Cost his firm a packet and he is seeking alternative employment.

Reason: he was drunk at the time.

Me thinks they should breathalyse a lot more

More in todays Daily Mail

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"Shool keep clear"

HumourPosted by Fiona MacCarthy Sat, June 19, 2010 10:44:35
Funny and sad, is this example of UK education standards from Anorak

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In custody for touching car

HumourPosted by Fiona MacCarthy Sun, May 23, 2010 07:30:02

A bloke leans against a car

Policewoman see him

He says he was rolling a cigarette

She says there was a laptop inside the car and his Asbo says he should stay off cars.

Result is that he is in custody awaiting sentencing.

To my knowledge thought crime is not a crime but reading the story maybe he was planning on breaking in. Moral of teh story is not to leave laptops visvible in cars.

More from the as always quirky Anorak with a good friendly photo too.

If you were judge what would you decide.

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Bombs in Ireland

HumourPosted by Fiona MacCarthy Sat, May 08, 2010 07:33:52

Chuckled when I saw this story about the Irish bloke who found a 1.5 metre rusting projectile in a field, scooped it up, treated it as harmless and posted it for sale on a website called DoneDeal.ie.

A few days later he opened his front door to find 15 people who wanted it and quickly as they were from the Irish army bomb disposal squad. It is said to have come from a German plane which crashed and was looted in the 2nd World War.

More in todays Independent

The Irish lad has had his account on DoneDeal terminated. More problematic if it was thrown into a scrap merchant. He clarified his involvement by saying it had been there for years and even used a "bridge" by quad bikers. Lucky they!

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Health and safety: overboard

HumourPosted by Fiona MacCarthy Sun, May 02, 2010 07:28:36

It has to be "Humour" category but its not.

This week I spent 7 minutes filling in a 2 page questionnaire on my health to see my dentist for a checkup. I filled in the same form 6 months ago for another checkup (again no work on my teeth required) and 2 months ago when a "bridge" fell out. thats 3 times in a year and my health has not changed in that time.

In my view a bureaucratic waste but its "NHS requirements" now according to my dentist. Reality is that it provides protection if something goes wrong and not all has been disclosed or even partly in error. So they can argue with evidence that the dentist was not told.

A story told to me yesterday was of a customer in a local Greggs inquiring if a "corned beef pasty" was "hot" or "warm" but the counter staff told here that they could not tell her on "health and safety" but they could put one in a bag so she (the customer) could feel it. Lunacy. What happened to saying "came out of the oven 20 minutes ago" or similar.

Finally there was the tale of a bloke taking to sea from London area of the Thames planning to sail around the country using a road map as a guide (I jest not) but then sailed around an island in the Thames several times before coast guard noticed something wrong and rescued him. Good job well done.

In summary there are idiots and fools out there but why is everyone to be mollycoddled by an expensive nannying system to protect the inept and incapable.

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April fools day pranks

HumourPosted by Fiona MacCarthy Fri, April 02, 2010 08:23:04
Top ten pranks from the past courtesy of the Independent

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Strange and!! true

HumourPosted by Fiona MacCarthy Sun, February 07, 2010 09:27:51

Man steals 5 gallons of lotion, placing on his person, is spotted, tries to run away.

Why be so greedy, but hang on what was the reason? personal use, bath filled lotion-baths a nice giggle/

There has to be a good picture somewhere

Anorak.co.uk picked up this story from the USA

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weight watchers floor collapses

HumourPosted by Fiona MacCarthy Sun, January 17, 2010 10:58:31
a tale from Sweden via the Telegraph how embarrassing!!smiley

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Nature's David v Goliath

HumourPosted by Fiona MacCarthy Sat, October 31, 2009 11:15:35
This is a link to a delightful picture carried in the Daily Mail of a bird so small that takes on a mighty Hawk.

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